Genesis Uncut !!

UNBELIEVABLE NEW PASSAGES DISCOVERED IN GENESIS CHAPTER 3



This is the unabridged (unedited) version of what the serpent said to Eve before she took that infamous bite from the forbidden tree. These extra passages were edited out of Genesis to save room in the Ark of the Covenant. But upon discovery of Moses' original scroll, we have the full conversation.

Genesis Chapter 3:

Verse 1b.
The serpent said to Eve, "Has God really said that you shall not eat from every tree in the garden?"

Verse 2.
Eve said to the serpent, "We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden.

Verse 3.
Only the fruit from the tree which is in the middle of the garden has God said we shall not eat of it, neither shall we touch it because it's deadly. We would surely die."

Verse 4.
Then the serpent said to Eve, "It's not deadly. You will not surely die.

Verse 5.
For God knows that in the day you eat from this tree, your eyes will be opened and you shall be as gods yourself, knowing good and evil.

Verse Cut.
You must have misinterpreted what God said, Eve. How could God have actually told you that you couldn't eat from the only tree in the entire world worth eating from?

Verse Cut.
Did he say, "don't eat" or did he say, "thou shalt not eat" because stuff like that can change everything, Eve.

Verse Cut.
I know what you think he said, but is that what God really meant? I mean, this is God we're talking about.

Verse Cut.
He's so high and complex, who knows what God really meant when he said don't eat. It all depends on how you interpret that, Eve. There's more than just one way to look at that, Eve.

Verse Cut.
Besides, you have to consider the cultural background of God's statement.

Verse Cut.
Back when he told you not to eat from that tree, that's probably just because the world was young and there weren't enough trees to go around yet.

Verse Cut.
Things were different back then. That was millions of years ago!! I know Adam keeps telling you it was a couple of days ago, but that's blind faith. It really happened millions of years ago.

Verse Cut.
God didn't mean you couldn't eat from it forever.

Verse Cut.
Besides, a lot of what God says is symbolic. He probably was speaking in a much more broader sense that is way over your head.

Verse Cut.
He wasn't literally talking about this tree right here.

Verse Cut.
I mean, who's to say where the middle of the garden really is anyway? Where were the borders of the garden when God said not to eat from the tree in the middle of the garden? Middle defined by what borders? Today's borders or the borders right after creation?

Verse Cut.
And did you know that there are actually two gardens in Eden? How do you know he was talking about this garden?

Verse Cut.
You see, Eve? You gotta take into consideration the context of what God really meant when he said don't eat from the tree in the middle of the garden because that was a long time ago, things were different then, God speaks symbolically, you gotta know your geography, history and context.

Verse Cut.
I've been listening to the word of God all my life and I'm here to tell you, there's always more than one way to look at things, Eve.

Verse Cut.
Who told you that God said you couldn't eat from the tree in the middle of the garden anyway? Was it Adam?

Verse Cut.
Is he a Calvinist? Is he pre-trib or post-trib? Is he Baptist, Methodist or Roman Catholic? Is he dispensationalist? Does he follow Scofield? You gotta take all that into consideration, Eve.

Verse Cut.
How did Adam vote in the last election? He's probably a bigot.

Verse Cut.
What's all this hate against this one little tree?

Verse Cut.
Who is he to tell you what tree you can and cannot eat from? Where's the love? Why is he hatin' on this one fruit-tree?

Verse Cut.
He probably eats from it all the time and tells you to stay away from it because he wants to keep you submissive to his male-dominance.

Verse Cut.
He wants to keep you barefoot and pregnant the rest of your life.

Verse Cut.
Where does Adam get off telling you what God said? What right does he have to represent God to you?

Verse Cut.
Whether or not you eat from this tree is between you and God!! It's none of Adam's business.

Verse Cut.
He's too opinionated. He's intolerant. He's being judgmental. He doesn't represent the true God of love and tolerance and understanding.

Verse Cut.
If God is a God of love, then why would he prevent you from eating from what is obviously the most delicious fruit-producing tree in all the world?

Verse Cut.
God made this tree for you to eat! God wants you to be happy, Eve!!

Verse Cut.
It's your right to eat from this tree. It's your moral obligation to eat from this tree.

Verse Cut.
You have to eat from this tree for women everywhere!!

Verse Cut.
I'm not leaving until you eat from this tree. I'm only looking out for you.

Verse Cut.
Do you want to be free or a slave of Adam's interpretation of God?

Verse Cut.
Do you want to be wise knowing good from evil or do you want to be innocent little Eve saying yes and no to whatever her man tells her?

Verse Cut.
Go ahead and NOT eat from the tree. I dare you. Go ahead and call Adam your master. Be his slave and do whatever he says."

Verse 6.
So when Eve saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of it's fruit and ate and then gave also unto her husband with her; and he ate.

Verse Cut.
Then the serpent said, "Oh my gosh!! Look what you did!!

Verse Cut.
Hey God!! Look what Adam and Eve just did!! You told them not to eat from this tree and here they are eating from it!!

Verse Cut.
Eve, what kind of sinful piece of garbage are you to not trust your husband and disobey God like that? Don't you know that God only has your best interests at heart and Adam was faithfully protecting you? How sinful are you? You hypocrite.

Verse Cut.
Adam, look what your wife did. You told her what God said and she did what she wanted to do. She doesn't care about you. She doesn't care about God. And then you eat it with her? Don't you love God? You hypocrite!

Verse Cut.
Hey God!! Look at what your two prize creations just did with your creation!! Such hypocrites. They call themselves followers of God and just look at them standing their naked with fruit juice dripping from their lips.

Verse cut.
They're wicked, wretched sinners!! Kill them God!! Kill them!! They don't deserve to live!!"

Verse 7.
And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons.

Verses 8 to 24 remain the same, as far as we know...

IMPORTANT NOTE:
The above piece is a satire: a technique of shining a light on absurdity by being absurd. This is not to be taken literally. Modern so-called Bible scholars are often insisting that passages and whole books of the Bible have been secretly removed while others claim established passages were added in later. Both groups are easily proven wrong and I thought their foolishness would make for a good satire about the way Satan works on us today, using the first record of Satan's deceptions ever recorded in Scripture. All of Satan's lies against the truth of God's Word can be summed up in one phrase: "Did God Really Say That?" He asks that question to Christians every day. But there's an old saying that says if you have to explain your joke to your audience, then it wasn't a good joke. If I've gone too far in my attempt to be satirical, my apologies.



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